when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize