i don't plan on having that self control this summer
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
