just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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