You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
How does one acquire holy water?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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