i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
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