I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
