Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
