I cannot find my penis.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
