my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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