She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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