Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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