took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
