youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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