Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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