I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
