I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
