i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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