Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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