I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
