You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
