The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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