so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Randomize
