It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
