she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
