Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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