Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
