I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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