also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
