I can tuck mytits in my pants
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Randomize
