im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
