What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
