Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize