we have officially lost it.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
