in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
