You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
