And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
