i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
