Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
