We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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