After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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