I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
