I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
