Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize