her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
