come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
