I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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