butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize