i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
