I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
