I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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