So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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