Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
