HIV tests are more positive than that guy
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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