i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
