I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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