Im at strip club and am horny
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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