I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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