i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
