There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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