My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
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